Ambivalence

Ambivalence means having mixed or opposite feelings about the same person, choice or situation at once: loving and resenting a parent, or wanting a change and dreading it. It’s normal, especially before big decisions. In therapy, mixed feelings about change are treated as a natural part of changing, to be explored rather than overcome.

Also called: mixed feelings; being torn; being in two minds. The psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler first gave the word its psychological meaning.

Examples

• Wanting to stop drinking, while still enjoying the nights out.
• Being excited about a new job and scared of failing at it.
• Loving a partner but feeling hurt by them, so staying and leaving both feel wrong.
• Planning to japa while dreading leaving your parents behind.

In one study, talking about a bad event with a friend people felt ambivalent about raised their blood pressure more than talking to a supportive friend.

Coping

Motivational interviewing (MI), a counselling style, is built around ambivalence. Instead of advising or warning, the counsellor listens, asks open questions and draws out your own reasons for change. Ambivalence is treated as normal and explored without judgement, which can help resolve it.

On your own, it can help to:

• write down what you’d gain and lose by changing, and by staying the same
• ask which choice fits what matters most
• take one small step, then review

In Nigeria

People who wanted to japa still grieve what they leave, and black tax can mix love for family with resentment. MI has been tested here: in Bauchi, one session adapted to local culture slightly raised the share of people who went ahead with glaucoma surgery or laser (52% against 45%), though the difference could have been chance.

Ambivalence vs indifference

Ambivalence is strong feelings pulling both ways; indifference is little feeling either way. Saying you’re “ambivalent about the wedding” means you care a lot, in two directions. “Ambivalent” can also simply mean unsure what to do.

When to get help

If being torn has gone on for months, stops you acting on something important, such as your drinking, health or relationship, or comes with low mood, talk to a therapist. A licensed therapist on Mytherapist.ng who works with relationships and marriage or substance use can help you think it through.

Read next

• Motivational interviewing
• Japa Stress: The Mental Health Toll of Relocating Abroad
• Black Tax: Helping Family Without Losing You

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This entry is awaiting clinical review. It’s based on published research and health guidelines, and we’ll update it once a clinician has reviewed it.