The year you notice they have got old is a difficult one — for them, and for you.
Ageing affects mental health on both sides of a family. Older Nigerians face retirement, bereavement, declining health and shrinking independence, often without ever being asked how they are coping. Their adult children face a quiet role reversal, the cost of care, and the first real sense of their parents’ mortality. Both are real, and neither gets much attention here.
The reversal nobody discusses
There is usually a specific moment. They cannot manage the stairs. They ask you to read something. They defer to your judgement on a decision they would once have made without consulting anyone.
For you it is disorienting. The person who was the final authority on everything is now asking. For them it is worse, because independence is being handed over piece by piece, and each piece is a small loss they rarely name aloud.
Handled badly, this curdles. Adult children start deciding for rather than with, out of love and impatience, and parents respond by becoming difficult in ways that look like stubbornness and are actually resistance to being managed. A great deal of family conflict at this stage is really about dignity.
What older Nigerians are actually carrying
Retirement. For many men especially, work was identity, structure and status at once. Losing all three in a single month is a recognised trigger for depression, and it is almost never treated as one.
Money. Pensions that arrive late or not at all, savings eroded by inflation, and dependence on children for basics. For someone who supported a whole extended family for forty years, having to ask is humiliating.
Bereavement, repeatedly. Friends, siblings, a spouse. Grief in later life comes in sequence, with less recovery time between.
Health and lost independence. Not driving. Not travelling alone. Not being trusted with their own medication.
Loneliness. Children abroad, grandchildren they see on video calls, a house that used to be full. Overcoming loneliness applies, though the older version is harder to solve.
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Being talked over. Decisions made about them in their presence. Doctors who address the child instead of the patient. Few things age someone faster.
Depression in older people looks different
This is the practical part, and it is widely missed.
Depression in older adults often does not present as sadness. It presents as physical complaints with no clear cause — body pains, weakness, poor appetite, “I am just not strong”. It presents as memory and concentration problems that can be mistaken for dementia. It presents as irritability and withdrawal.
Because it does not look like sadness, families read it as ageing. That is just how old people are. It is not. Depression is not a normal part of ageing, and it is treatable at any age.
Take it seriously if a parent has withdrawn from things they used to do, stopped eating properly, become uncharacteristically irritable, or started saying they are a burden or would be better off gone. That last one is not resignation to be nodded along with — read coping with triggers of suicidal thoughts and use our helplines if it is urgent.
What helps them
Ask, then wait. “How are you finding things?” — then leave the silence long enough for a real answer. Most older Nigerians are never actually asked.
Preserve decisions. Include them in anything about their own life, even when it is slower. Autonomy is protective.
Protect a role. Something they are still responsible for and good at. Usefulness is not sentimental — it is one of the strongest predictors of wellbeing in later life.
Keep them in the routine, not just the emergencies. Ordinary visits and calls, not only hospital runs.
Treat health properly. Hearing loss and untreated pain both drive isolation and low mood, and both are fixable.
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Say therapy plainly if it is needed. Many older Nigerians will not use the word, but will accept “somebody to talk to”. Present it as ordinary care and not as a verdict on their mind. Mental health stigma in Nigeria explains what you are working against.
What helps you
You are also carrying something, usually while raising your own children and holding a job.
Split the work explicitly among siblings. Assumption always defaults to whoever is nearest or most available. If that is you, say so out loud with specifics rather than waiting to be noticed. Siblings abroad can take the costs, the appointments and the calls even when they cannot be present. Caregiver burnout covers this in full, and it is worth reading before it becomes urgent.
Expect anticipatory grief. Mourning someone who is still alive — grieving their decline while they are in the room — is a real and disorienting experience. It is not disloyalty.
Let old wounds be complicated. Caring for a parent who was harsh with you is genuinely hard, and doing it well does not require you to have resolved everything. Childhood trauma in adults may help make sense of the mix.
Do not sacrifice everything. Your health, marriage and finances are not spare capacity. If they collapse, so does the care.
The honest bit
You will not do this perfectly. You will be impatient with someone who is frightened, and feel terrible afterwards. That is what this stage of family life is, and it does not mean you are failing at it.
What matters more than getting every interaction right is that they are not alone in it, and neither are you.
Frequently asked questions
Is depression normal in old age?
No. It is common and under-treated, but it is not a normal part of ageing, and it responds to treatment at any age.
How does depression look different in older people?
Often as unexplained physical complaints, poor appetite, low energy, irritability or memory problems rather than visible sadness.
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How do I get my father to accept help?
Frame it around usefulness and choice rather than incapacity, and involve him in the decision. Resistance is usually about dignity.
How do I split care with siblings abroad?
Assign specific tasks rather than asking for general help. Costs, appointment booking and regular calls can all be done remotely.
Can older people benefit from therapy?
Yes. Many respond well, particularly around bereavement, retirement and loss of independence. Presenting it as “someone to talk to” often lands better than the word therapy.
