Recognising Domestic Abuse and Getting Help

Abuse is not only the bruises. If you are reading this because something at home does not feel right, that instinct is worth taking seriously.

Before you read on: if the person harming you can access this device, open a private or incognito window, or read this on a phone they never use. You can leave this page immediately by pressing the back button or closing the tab. In immediate danger, call 112.

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour used to control another person. It can be physical, but it is just as often emotional, financial, sexual or digital — and the non-physical forms cause serious, lasting harm. It happens across every income level, religion, ethnic group and level of education in Nigeria.

What counts as abuse

Most people who are being abused do not use that word for a long time, often because there has been no hitting. Abuse is about control, and control has several instruments.

Physical — hitting, slapping, pushing, choking, restraining, throwing things, or destroying property to frighten you.

Emotional and psychological — constant criticism, humiliation in front of others, silent treatment lasting days, threats to take the children, threats to harm themselves if you leave, and making you doubt your own memory of events.

Financial — controlling all the money, requiring you to account for every naira, preventing you from working, taking your salary, running debts in your name, or keeping you dependent so leaving is impossible.

Sexual — any sexual contact you did not freely consent to, including within marriage. Pressure, coercion and “you are my wife” are not consent.

Digital — reading your phone, demanding passwords, tracking your location, monitoring who you speak to, posting or threatening to post private images.

Isolation — gradually cutting you off from family and friends, until the abuser is the only relationship you have left. This one is usually the earliest and is almost never recognised at the time.

Signs worth taking seriously

You change your behaviour to avoid their reaction
You feel relief when they are not at home
You have stopped seeing friends and family, and cannot fully explain when that happened
You apologise for things you did not do, to end an argument
You hide ordinary things — a purchase, a phone call — because of how they would react
They are charming publicly and different behind the door
You are told the problem is your sensitivity, your memory, your imagination
You have been hurt physically, even once
You are afraid

Fear is the clearest signal. In a relationship that is difficult but not abusive, people are unhappy, frustrated, sometimes miserable. They are not afraid.

What makes leaving harder in Nigeria

Naming these is not an argument for staying. It is an argument against the question people are always asked — why didn’t you just leave? — which assumes an exit that frequently does not exist.

Family pressure to endure. “Marriage is patience.” “Think of the children.” “What will people say?” Women who leave are often blamed for the failure of the marriage regardless of what happened inside it.

Religious counsel to submit. Some, though not all, religious leaders counsel a wife to pray and stay. Faith is a genuine source of strength for many people; counsel that returns someone to danger is a different matter.

Bride price. The expectation of returning it can turn a woman’s family against her leaving, on financial grounds.

Money. If your partner controls the income, leaving means leaving with nothing, often with children.

Uneven policing. Response to domestic violence complaints varies enormously, and many people have been told at a station that it is a family matter.

Male victims. Men are abused too, more often than is acknowledged, and face near-total disbelief when they say so. If this is you, the article applies to you as written.

The law, in brief

Nigeria’s Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act criminalises physical violence, emotional and psychological abuse, economic abuse, harmful traditional practices and spousal battery, and provides for protection orders. Originally federal, it has been adopted by a large and growing number of states, and several states also have their own domestic violence legislation.

Application in practice varies by state and by station. Getting advice from a lawyer or a domestic violence organisation before approaching the police tends to produce better outcomes than going alone.

This is general information, not legal advice.

Safety planning — including if you are staying

You do not have to be ready to leave to start being safer. Many people go through several attempts before leaving for good, and that is a documented pattern, not a personal failing.

If you are staying for now:

Identify the safest room — one with a door, an exit and no kitchen knives or heavy objects
Agree a code word with one trusted person that means call for help
Keep your phone charged, and keep 112 reachable quickly
Note where your important documents are
Work out which neighbour would open their door at night

If you are preparing to leave:

Keep copies of documents somewhere else — ID, marriage certificate, children’s birth certificates, medical records, bank details. With someone you trust, or photographed into an email account they do not know about
Put money aside where it cannot be traced, however slowly
Have a bag with essentials somewhere outside the house
Decide in advance where you will go, and tell that person beforehand
Record incidents — dates, what happened, photographs of injuries — kept somewhere they cannot access
Leave when they are not there, if at all possible

Digital safety: check whether location sharing is on. Change passwords from a device they cannot reach. Be aware that shared cloud accounts can sync your messages and photos to their phone.

Leaving is the most dangerous period. Risk frequently escalates at the point of separation. This is exactly when to involve an organisation that does this professionally rather than managing alone.

Getting help

Immediate danger: call 112.
Crisis counselling: our helplines page lists free, confidential lines, several of them 24/7.
Specialist services: several Nigerian organisations provide shelter, legal aid, medical care and counselling for survivors, and state Domestic and Sexual Violence Agencies operate in a number of states. A crisis line can refer you to the right one for your location.
Therapy: for the effects that persist after the danger has passed. You can filter for trauma experience in our directory.

Abuse leaves marks that outlast the relationship — hypervigilance, difficulty trusting, a nervous system that never fully settles. Those are trauma responses and they are treatable. See the trauma hub and healing from narcissistic abuse, which covers the rebuilding.

If someone tells you they are being abused

Believe them. That is the whole first step, and it is the one most often failed.

Do not tell them to leave, and do not push a timeline. Pressure from a supporter frequently ends the conversation and pushes the person further into isolation, which is precisely what the abuser wants. Say you believe them, that it is not their fault, and that you are there whether they stay or go. Then stay reachable.

If children are being harmed, that is different: it needs reporting.

Frequently asked questions

Is it abuse if they have never hit me?

Yes. Emotional, financial, sexual and digital abuse are all abuse, and the harm from sustained psychological abuse is well documented.

Why is it so hard to leave?

Money, children, family and religious pressure, safety, and the fact that risk usually increases at the point of separation. Several attempts before leaving for good is the norm, not a failure.

Is domestic violence a crime in Nigeria?

Yes. The Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act criminalises physical, emotional and economic abuse and provides for protection orders. Adoption and enforcement vary by state.