Your child chatters all evening at home, then says nothing at all at school, sometimes for months. Teachers call it stubbornness. It’s usually something else, and it gets better with the right kind of help.
Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder: a child who talks normally at home consistently can’t speak in certain places, usually school, for at least a month. It isn’t stubbornness or rudeness. It’s treatable, and gentle, gradual practice with parents and teachers works best.
What it looks like
- Talking freely at home with family, but silent at school, with certain adults, or when visitors come.
- Freezing, a stiff body or a blank face when expected to speak.
- Pointing, nodding or whispering instead of talking.
- Often, other signs of anxiety: clinginess, worry, avoiding new situations.
It usually starts between ages two and five, and it’s often noticed only when a child starts school. It’s uncommon, affecting fewer than one child in a hundred.
“Can’t”, not “won’t”
The most important thing to understand is that a child with selective mutism isn’t choosing silence. In those situations, anxiety makes speaking feel impossible. Pressure, bribes, scolding or punishment make that anxiety worse, and the silence tighter.
Is it selective mutism, or something else?
- Shyness. Shy children warm up over time. Children with selective mutism stay silent in the same places for weeks and months.
- Autism. They’re separate conditions, though a child can have both. If there are wider differences in communication, play or social understanding, ask for an autism assessment too. Our guide to autism in Nigeria explains what to look for.
- A new school language. Many Nigerian children speak Yoruba, Igbo, Hausa or Pidgin at home and English at school. A brief silent period while a child is getting used to a new language is normal and isn’t selective mutism. A useful check: does your child speak their home language comfortably outside the house, with people who share it? Selective mutism usually means silence in every language, in several unfamiliar places, for months, with visible anxiety.
- A sudden stop after something frightening. A child who stops talking in places where they used to talk, after a shock or a loss, needs checking by a professional. That’s a different pattern.
What helps
Take the pressure off
- Don’t pressure, bribe, threaten or punish your child to make them talk.
- Don’t keep speaking for them or explaining their silence in front of them.
- Don’t make a fuss when they do speak. Praise quietly, later, when you’re alone.
- Don’t ask why talking is hard. Most children can’t explain it.
Practise in small steps
Treatment works by building up, step by step, from situations where your child can talk to ones where they can’t yet. For example, your child talks to you in an empty classroom after school; then with the teacher nearby but not looking; then answering the teacher with a single word. Each step is repeated until it feels easy. Small planned rewards for agreed steps help. That’s different from bribing a child in the moment.
Work with the school
- Agree a plan with the teacher: other ways to take part at first, such as pointing, cards or writing, and no forced reading aloud.
- Choose one key adult at school to lead the small steps.
- Keep punishment and public attention out of it.
If you’re a teacher
You may be the first adult to notice. A few things make a real difference:
- Never punish or shame a child for not speaking, and don’t let classmates tease them.
- Offer other ways to take part: pointing, thumbs up, cards or writing.
- Don’t insist on reading aloud or answering in front of the class for now.
- Seat the child near a friend they’re comfortable with.
- Talk to the parents early, and agree small steps together.
Getting professional help
A child psychologist or therapist trained in behavioural approaches or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is the usual first step, working with you and the school. Studies show these approaches help most children, and the younger a child is when help starts, the quicker it usually works.
Medication isn’t the main treatment. A child psychiatrist may occasionally suggest it when therapy alone hasn’t worked, always alongside therapy.
Without help, selective mutism can last for years and raise the risk of anxiety later on. So it’s worth acting early, rather than waiting for your child to grow out of it.
Read more about anxiety, and about social anxiety as children grow older. You can find a therapist who works with children and teenagers.
Suggested read: Co-Parenting After Separation
Frequently asked questions
What causes selective mutism?
It’s an anxiety disorder, often in children with a naturally cautious, inhibited temperament. There’s no single cause, and it isn’t usually caused by trauma.
Will my child grow out of selective mutism?
Some children improve on their own, but many stay silent and struggle for a long time without help. Treatment works best when it starts early.
Is selective mutism a form of autism?
No. They’re separate conditions, though a child can have both. A professional can assess for each.
Can bilingual children have selective mutism?
Yes, but a short silent period while learning a new school language is normal. Selective mutism usually means silence in every language, in several places, for months.
Should I reward my child for speaking?
Small planned rewards for agreed practice steps help. Bribes in the moment, pressure and public praise usually don’t.
This article is awaiting clinical review. It’s based on published research and health guidelines, and we’ll update it once a clinician has reviewed it.
