The invitation arrives, the aso-ebi is chosen, and the dread starts weeks before the day. If weddings, owambes and office parties fill you with fear, you’re not alone, and there’s a lot that helps.
Social anxiety at parties is an intense fear of being watched or judged at weddings, owambes, birthdays and other gatherings. It often means dread beforehand, hiding at the edges, drinking to cope or leaving early. It’s treatable, and the habits that feel safest usually keep the fear going.
Why parties are so hard
Parties pile up the situations people with social anxiety fear most: meeting new people, talking to strangers, walking into a full room, eating or drinking while others watch, and being the centre of attention. In a large US survey, about two-thirds of people who’d had social anxiety disorder feared going to parties.
Nigerian parties add their own moments: the MC calling out names, being pulled out to dance, greeting elders, photos and videos for social media, and the questions about marriage, children and work. An owambe brings all of these together, along with aso-ebi, live music, plenty of food and money spraying.
Preferring smaller gatherings, or needing quiet time afterwards, isn’t a disorder. Social anxiety is when fear of being judged makes you avoid events or get through them with dread, and it costs you something you care about, like a best friend’s wedding. Our guide to social anxiety covers the basics.
What it can look like
- dread for days or weeks before the event
- rehearsing what you’ll say
- arriving late to skip the mingling, or sticking to the one person you know
- hiding in your phone, or keeping busy serving food or taking photos so you don’t have to talk
- gripping your glass to hide shaking, or not eating in front of people
- drinking more than you meant to
- leaving early, then replaying everything you said
Helping in the kitchen or taking photos isn’t a problem in itself. It becomes part of the anxiety when the real reason is to avoid people.
The drink trap
Many people with social anxiety drink to get through parties. It feels like it works, but the research says otherwise:
- The calm is partly expectation. In lab studies, people with social anxiety who only believed they’d had alcohol felt calmer giving a speech.
- It changes how you come across. In a German study, alcohol made people with social anxiety feel less anxious, but observers rated everyone who drank as less competent.
- It follows you home. People who drank more at an event replayed it more afterwards, and shy drinkers felt more anxious the next day.
- Drinking before you go is a warning sign. In a Canadian study of students, socially anxious people who drank alone before going out had more alcohol problems.
People with social anxiety often drink no more than anyone else, but they have more alcohol problems, partly because they drink to cope or to fit in. Across surveys in 28 countries, including Nigeria, about 1 in 4 people who’d had social anxiety disorder had also had a drinking or drug problem, and in 8 out of 10 of those cases the social anxiety came first. Our pieces on alcohol and anxiety and how to stop drinking safely go further.
Before the party
- Set a goal you can test, not a feeling. “Greet three people and eat in front of others”, not “don’t be anxious”. Then notice what actually happens.
- Plan how long you’ll stay, then keep to it. A planned short visit can be a good first step. Leaving the moment you feel hot is escape, and it keeps the fear going. Next time, stay a little longer.
- Go easy on the rehearsal. Going over everything that could go wrong tends to make anxiety higher at the event itself.
- Skip the drink before you leave home.
- Be honest about aso-ebi. If the cost is part of the dread, that’s a real pressure and separate from social anxiety. In a survey of 270 adults in Osun and Oyo, buying fabric again and again was the main complaint. It’s fine to choose which events you buy for.
At the party
- Drop one safety behaviour. Put your phone away for 20 minutes, hold your plate normally, or join one dance. When people with social anxiety drop these habits, others tend to respond more warmly.
- Turn your attention outward: to the music, the food, the couple, and what the person in front of you is saying. Watching yourself makes anxiety worse.
- Talk to someone new. Conversations with strangers usually go better than people expect, and new acquaintances tend to like us more than we think.
- When the spotlight lands on you, you’re less noticed than you feel, and you look calmer than you feel. If the MC calls your name or someone pulls you out to dance, join for a moment, then sit down.
- About spraying: if being called out to spray money is part of the dread, spraying naira is an offence under the Central Bank of Nigeria Act, whatever the amount, and guests at weddings and birthdays were convicted in 2026. You have a good reason to sit that part out.
- Family questions. “When are you getting married?” doesn’t need a full answer. A short reply and a question back is enough: “Not yet. How’s the new shop?”
After the party
Skip the post-mortem. Replaying every conversation is one of the habits that keeps social anxiety going. Note one thing that went better than you predicted, then plan the next step: a slightly bigger event, or a longer stay.
When to get help
If you’re skipping events that matter to you, or drinking to get through them, it’s worth getting help. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) designed for social anxiety is the first-choice treatment, and it includes planned experiments in real situations like parties. In one trial, 84% of people no longer had social anxiety disorder after this kind of cognitive therapy, and therapist-guided online versions have worked as well as face-to-face sessions. If drinking has become part of the problem, tell your therapist; the two can be treated together.
Suggested read: Vaping, Nicotine and Your Mood
You can find a therapist who works with anxiety by video, voice or chat, or take our free social anxiety test as a starting point. Read our guide to social anxiety at work, our anxiety page, or the glossary entry on social anxiety disorder.
Frequently asked questions
Why do I feel anxious at parties but fine with close friends?
Parties combine several of the situations people with social anxiety fear most: meeting strangers, joining groups, and being watched while eating, dancing or speaking. Close friends don’t usually trigger the same fear of judgement.
Does drinking help social anxiety?
Not really. Part of the calm comes from expecting it, observers rate people as less competent after drinking, and drinkers often feel more anxious the next day. Drinking to cope is linked with alcohol problems.
Is it okay to leave a party early?
Yes, if it’s what you planned. A short, planned visit can be a good step. Leaving the moment anxiety spikes keeps the fear going, so try to stay until the time you set.
Is social anxiety the same as being an introvert?
No. Introverts may prefer smaller gatherings and need time to recharge. Social anxiety is a fear of being judged that makes you avoid or dread events, even ones you want to attend.
This article is awaiting clinical review. It’s based on published research and health guidelines, and we’ll update it once a clinician has reviewed it.
