You are no longer a couple, but you are still both their parents. Here is how to make that work without turning the children into messengers, spies or prizes.
Co-parenting works when the children’s routine stays predictable, the adults keep their conflict away from them, and the arrangements are written down. You don’t need to be friends with your ex. You need to be reliable, polite and business-like.
What children need from you
- Predictability. Knowing where they sleep, who collects them from school and when they see each parent.
- Both parents, where it’s safe. Most children do better with a real relationship with both.
- Permission to love the other parent. Children feel torn when they sense that enjoying time with Daddy upsets Mummy, or the reverse.
- To stay out of adult business. They shouldn’t carry messages, report on the other home, or hear the details of why you split.
The Nigerian layer
Separation here rarely involves only two people. Grandparents take sides. An aunty tells the children what their father “did”. A church or community has opinions. Some families assume the children belong to the father’s family, whatever the parents agreed. And money is often the loudest fight: school fees, upkeep, who pays for the uniform and the textbooks.
You can’t control all of that, but you can agree that the two of you, not the wider family, make the decisions about the children, and say so to your relatives.
Write a parenting plan
Most co-parenting fights come from vague arrangements. Write down, and both keep a copy of:
- Where the children live during the school week, and on which weekends they’re with the other parent.
- Holidays and festivals: Christmas, Easter, Sallah, birthdays and long vacations. Alternating years avoids the same fight every December.
- Money: who pays school fees, upkeep, medical bills and extras, and when. Splitting costs in proportion to income is often fairer than half and half.
- Big decisions: school, health, religion and travel, and how you’ll agree on them.
- Handovers: where and when. A neutral, public place works if handovers are tense.
- New partners: when and how they meet the children.
- Relocation: what happens if one of you moves city or abroad.
- How you’ll change the plan as the children grow.
Talk like colleagues
Keep messages about the children short, factual, friendly and firm. “Tolu has a school event on Friday at 2pm. Can you collect her at 4?” is a message. A paragraph about the past is an argument.
- Use one channel, such as a WhatsApp chat just for the children, and keep it for logistics.
- Reply within an agreed time, not instantly, and not when you’re angry.
- Never argue in front of the children or on the phone while they can hear.
- Don’t criticise the other parent to them, even when it’s true.
When your ex won’t cooperate
Sometimes co-parenting is not possible. If every conversation becomes a fight, move to parallel parenting: each home runs its own way, contact between the adults is kept to a minimum and done in writing, and handovers happen at school or in a public place. It’s less warm, and it protects the children from the conflict.
When it isn’t safe
If there has been violence, threats or abuse, safety comes before contact. Arrange handovers in public or through someone you trust, keep records of incidents, and get legal advice about protecting yourself and the children. Our guide to recognising domestic abuse explains what counts and where to get help.
The legal side
For a statutory marriage, courts decide custody under the Matrimonial Causes Act, and the children’s interests are the most important consideration. Customary and Islamic courts apply their own rules, which can differ. Get legal advice before you sign anything.
You don’t have to start in court. In Lagos, the state’s Citizens’ Mediation Centre offers free mediation, and both the Lagos and Abuja Multi-Door Courthouses offer mediation for family disputes. FIDA Nigeria supports women with legal problems, and the Legal Aid Council of Nigeria helps people who can’t afford a lawyer.
Suggested read: Leaving Your Parents Behind When You Japa
Look after yourself
Separation is a loss, even when it was the right decision. Grief, anger and loneliness can leak into co-parenting if they have nowhere else to go. If the upheaval still overwhelms you months later, read about adjustment disorders, which describe exactly that. Our guide to single parenting and mental health covers the day-to-day load, and a therapist who works with family and parenting can help you keep the co-parenting steady while you deal with your own feelings.
Frequently asked questions
What is co-parenting?
Co-parenting means both parents stay actively involved in raising their children after separating, sharing decisions and time according to an agreed plan.
How do I co-parent with a difficult ex?
Keep contact short, written and about the children. Stick to the plan, don’t respond to provocation, and if cooperation is impossible, move to parallel parenting with minimal contact.
Who gets custody of a child in Nigeria?
It depends on the type of marriage and the court. For statutory marriages, the court puts the children’s interests first. Customary and Islamic courts have their own rules. A lawyer can explain how they apply to you.
Should children choose where they live?
Their views matter more as they get older, and a good arrangement listens to them. But children shouldn’t carry the decision. That belongs to the adults.
Can I stop my ex from seeing the children?
Not as a punishment. If you believe contact puts the children in danger, get legal advice and use the proper channels.
