Most men won’t say “I’m struggling.” They go quiet, get busy, or make a joke that isn’t quite a joke. Checking on them takes less skill than you think.
To check on a friend who might be struggling, be specific and low-pressure. Mention something you’ve noticed, ask how he’s really doing, and ask twice. Do it side by side if you can, and follow up a few days later.
Why he probably won’t bring it up
Many Nigerian men grew up hearing that a man carries his load quietly. “Man must be strong.” “E go better.” Add the pressure to provide for parents, siblings and a partner, and admitting you’re not coping can feel like failing everyone at once.
So it comes out sideways: less sleep, more drinking, less of him in the group chat. Our guide to men’s mental health in Nigeria covers why. This piece is about what you can do.
Things worth noticing
You know your friends. Look for change, not a checklist.
- He has gone quiet in the group chat, or he’s online at 3am.
- He keeps cancelling plans he used to keep: football, drinks, church, the barbershop.
- He’s drinking or betting more than usual.
- He jokes about being tired of life or about disappearing. “I’m done with everything, lol.”
- He’s taken a big hit recently: a lost job, a breakup, a death, business debt, a japa plan that fell through.
- He’s giving away things that matter to him, or talking as if he won’t be around.
The last two, especially together, are reasons to check on him today rather than at the weekend. For the wider picture, see signs of depression in men.
How to start the conversation
You don’t need a perfect line. You need a real one.
Side by side beats face to face. Many men talk more easily while doing something: driving, watching a match, walking to buy suya, at the gym. Eye contact across a table can feel like an interview.
Say what you’ve noticed. “You’ve been quiet since the job thing. How are you holding up, for real?” gets further than “Are you okay?”, which almost always gets “I’m fine.”
Ask twice. If he says he’s fine, try once more, lightly: “You sure? You’ve had a lot on your plate.” The second ask tells him you actually want the answer.
Suggested read: Suicide Prevention: How to Ask the Question
By text or voice note. “Been thinking about you. No need for a long reply, just checking how you’re doing.” Or simply: “Free on Saturday? Let’s watch the match.” An invitation is a check-in too.
When he opens up
- Listen more than you talk. Silence is fine. Let him finish.
- Say back what you heard. “That sounds like a lot to carry by yourself.”
- Ask before you advise. “Do you want ideas, or do you just need to let it out?”
- Keep it between you. It is not gist for the group chat.
- Offer something practical. A ride, help with his CV, a meal, company on a hard day.
What to leave out:
- “Man up,” or “others have it worse.”
- “You’ll be fine,” before you know what’s wrong.
- Turning it to your own story too quickly.
- Pointing him only to prayer. If faith matters to him, it can sit alongside talking to someone. It doesn’t have to replace it.
If you’re worried about suicide
Ask him directly: “Are you thinking about ending your life?” Asking does not put the idea in his head. Many people feel relief at being asked plainly.
If he says yes, or you’re not sure:
- Stay with him, or stay on the phone.
- If he is in immediate danger, call 112, or 767 in Lagos.
- Help him call Safe Place Nigeria on 0800 800 2000. It is toll-free and answered 24 hours a day. Our helplines page lists other Nigerian crisis lines.
- If it’s safe to, put away anything he could use to hurt himself.
- Don’t promise to keep it secret. His safety comes first.
Helping him get support
Talking to you helps. For some things he needs someone trained, and the step is smaller than it looks. You could say:
- “Plenty of guys talk to someone now. I can help you find one.”
- “You can pick a male therapist, or one who speaks Yoruba, Igbo or Pidgin, and start by chat if a call feels like too much.”
Offer to sit with him while he books, if he wants that. He can browse therapists here, or read about depression first.
Look after yourself too
You’re his friend, not his therapist. If worrying about him is weighing on you, tell someone you trust, and only promise what you can keep doing.
Frequently asked questions
What should I text a friend who is going through a hard time?
Something short and specific that doesn’t demand a reply: “Been thinking about you since the job news. No pressure to reply. I’m around if you want to talk, or just watch a match.”
How do I know if my friend is depressed?
Look for change that lasts more than a couple of weeks: withdrawing, losing interest, drinking more, sleeping badly, irritability or hopeless talk. Only a professional can diagnose depression, but you don’t need a diagnosis to check in.
What if he says he’s fine?
Ask once more, gently, then leave the door open: “Okay. If that changes, I’m here.” Check in again in a few days.
Suggested read: Making a Safety Plan Before You Need It
Should I tell his family?
If he is in immediate danger, yes, and get help straight away. Otherwise, talk to him first about who he would want to know.
How do I check on a friend without it being awkward?
Invite him to something you’d normally do together and ask during it. A minute of awkwardness is a fair price.
