One of you has moved abroad and the other is still here, or the plan is for one to go first. Here is what keeps long-distance relationships alive, and what quietly ends them.
Long-distance relationships after japa last when both partners share a timeline for being together, keep small daily contact rather than long dutiful calls, and talk openly about money, jealousy and change. Distance with no plan is where most of them break.
Why couples are apart for longer now
Many couples expected to move together, then found the rules had changed. From January 2024 the UK stopped most international students on taught courses from bringing their spouses. Canada has also narrowed which students’ partners can join them on work permits. Add the cost of flights and proof of funds, and “I’ll send for you in six months” often becomes two years.
Immigration rules change often. Before you plan around a route, get advice from a regulated immigration adviser, not a WhatsApp group.
How it feels on each side
The one abroad is often lonely, cold, working long hours and starting from zero. They may feel pressure from home to send money they don’t yet have, and guilt about enjoying anything at all.
The one left behind carries the family duties, sometimes the in-laws, and the questions: “When are you joining him?” People assume they’re living on “abroad money”. Some feel left behind in every sense, as if life started for one person and paused for the other.
Both are hard. Neither partner is having the easy version.
What keeps it going
- A shared timeline. “We’ll be in the same country by next September, and here’s how” gives both of you something to hold. Revisit it together when things change.
- Small daily contact. A good-morning voice note, a photo of your lunch, a two-minute call on the way to work. Daily small things beat one exhausting weekly call.
- One proper date a week. Watch the same film, cook the same meal, or talk with no phones in the other hand.
- Plan around the time difference. The UK is on or near Nigerian time, but Canada and the US are five to nine hours behind. Agree fixed call times that don’t always fall on the same person’s midnight.
- Money in the open. Who’s paying for visas, flights and upkeep? What goes to each family? Unspoken money is one of the fastest routes to resentment.
- Make decisions together. Big choices, such as a new job, a new city or a new flat, should be made jointly, even at a distance.
Make visits count
Visits are expensive, so plan them together. Agree who travels when, and save for it as a shared goal. Keep some of the time for just the two of you, not only for family. Expect a little awkwardness at first; you’ve both changed a bit, and that’s normal. Plan your next contact before the airport goodbye.
If you have children
Children cope better when the absent parent is part of ordinary days: a short call at bedtime, helping with homework by video, and knowing when the next visit is. The parent at home is effectively parenting alone for now. Our guide to single parenting and mental health covers that load, and it helps to line up practical support early.
Trust and jealousy
Distance amplifies worry. A late reply becomes a story. Agree together what feels okay and what doesn’t, and talk about fears early, before they turn into accusations. Checking each other’s location all day, demanding passwords or going through each other’s phones rarely creates trust. More often it’s a sign the relationship needs a real conversation.
Suggested read: Lonely at Your PPA: Getting Through the Year
Warning signs
- Contact dropping away without explanation.
- The timeline keeps slipping, with no clear reason.
- One partner doing all the work to stay connected.
- New secrecy about money, friends or plans.
- Control: constant monitoring, or anger at any independence.
When the plan changes
Sometimes one partner loves the new country and the other doesn’t want to move. Or the one at home realises they don’t want to leave Nigeria at all. These are honest conversations, and they go better early than after years of drifting.
A therapist can help you have them. Couples therapy by video can work even when you’re in different cities or countries, so ask the therapist how they run sessions for couples who are apart. You can find a therapist who works with couples, and our guide to couples therapy explains what to expect.
For the person who has moved, settling in abroad and japa stress cover the adjustment itself. If loneliness or worry is taking over, read about anxiety.
Frequently asked questions
Can a long-distance relationship survive japa?
Many do, especially when both partners share a realistic timeline for living together, stay in regular small contact, and talk honestly about money and worries.
How often should we talk?
A little every day usually works better than long, dutiful calls. Add one planned “date” a week and keep it.
How do we handle the time difference?
Agree fixed call times that work for both of you, and swap who stays up late so the burden doesn’t always fall on one person.
What if I’m the one left in Nigeria and I feel left behind?
That’s a common, painful feeling. Say it to your partner plainly, keep building your own life here, and make sure the plan to be together is real and shared.
Should we marry before one of us japas?
Marriage can open a spouse route in some countries, but rules change often, and marrying only for a visa puts pressure on everything else. Get proper immigration advice and marry for the relationship.
