The questions at every gathering. The prayer meeting nobody asked you about. The aunty who suggests a “second option”. If you’re facing childlessness in your marriage, the pressure from family can hurt as much as the waiting.
Family pressure over childlessness is hardest when a couple faces it separately. Agree together on what you’ll share, answer relatives with one short rehearsed line, and let each partner handle their own family. Pressure that turns into threats or eviction needs outside help.
What the pressure looks like
In many Nigerian families, children are seen as the point of a marriage, and a couple without them becomes everybody’s business:
- The same question at every wedding, naming ceremony and Christmas visit.
- In-laws blaming the wife, often before anyone has been tested.
- Prayer meetings, fasting or trips to “specialists” arranged without asking you.
- Suggestions that the husband take a second wife or “try outside”.
- Men being mocked for not “performing”, and pushed to prove themselves.
- Being left out of events, or seated with the children to make a point.
We cover what infertility does to your mind, and the medical side, in infertility and mental health in Nigeria. This piece is about the family.
First, face it as a team
Families often try, deliberately or not, to split a couple: his people against her, or her mother against him. Your strongest protection is agreeing, just the two of you:
- The facts. Roughly a third to a half of infertility cases involve a male factor, and many involve both partners or no cause anyone can find. Both of you should be tested. It is not a question of whose fault it is.
- What you’ll share, and with whom. You don’t owe anyone your test results or treatment plans.
- Who handles whom. Each partner deals with their own family. A husband telling his mother “we’re handling it, please stop” carries far more weight than his wife saying it.
What to say
Agree one short line and repeat it without adding to it:
- “We’re handling it privately. Thank you for caring.”
- “When there’s news to share, you’ll hear it from us.”
- “We’ve answered this before. Please don’t ask again.”
For suggestions about a second wife, the partner whose family raised it should close it down clearly: “My wife is my wife. This conversation is over.” Anything softer tends to be heard as a maybe.
Protect yourselves at events
It’s fine to skip the naming ceremony, leave early, or stay home on Mother’s Day at church. Agree a signal before you arrive so either of you can say “we’re leaving” without explaining. Plan something that’s just yours afterwards.
When pressure crosses a line
Pressure can turn into abuse: threats to throw a wife out, violence, being forced into “treatments”, relatives taking over property, or a husband being pressured into abandoning his wife. If that’s happening:
- Keep records of threats and incidents.
- Get legal advice. FIDA Nigeria supports women with legal problems, and the Legal Aid Council of Nigeria helps people who can’t afford a lawyer.
- If you’re in danger, call 112, or 767 in Lagos.
Our guide to recognising domestic abuse explains what counts and where to get help.
Suggested read: Suicide Prevention: How to Ask the Question
In a statutory marriage, being unable to have children is not in itself a ground for divorce under the Matrimonial Causes Act. Customary and Islamic marriages follow their own rules, so get advice for your situation.
If you’re considering adoption
Some families object: “not our blood”, “what will people say”. Adoption is a legitimate, loving way to build a family, and many Nigerian families have done it quietly and happily. Legal adoption goes through your state’s social welfare ministry and the courts. Buying a baby, including from so-called baby factories, is a crime, and it harms the children and the women involved.
Your mental health
Childlessness brings a grief that repeats: every month, every pregnancy announcement, every family event. Anxiety, low mood, anger and distance between partners are common. If it has lasted weeks and is affecting sleep, work or your relationship, read about depression and consider getting support. If you’ve also lost a pregnancy, grief after pregnancy loss may help.
Couples therapy can stop the marriage becoming only about conceiving, and help you answer family together. You can find a therapist who works with couples, by video, voice or chat.
Frequently asked questions
How do I deal with in-laws pressuring us about children?
Agree with your partner what you’ll share, and let each of you handle your own family. Use one short line, such as “We’re handling it privately,” and repeat it without adding more.
What should I say when people ask when we’ll have a baby?
“When there’s news, you’ll hear it from us.” Short, polite and final. You don’t owe anyone details.
Is childlessness a reason for divorce in Nigeria?
In a statutory marriage, being unable to have children is not in itself a ground for divorce under the Matrimonial Causes Act. Customary and Islamic marriages have their own rules, so get legal advice.
How can a husband support his wife against his family’s pressure?
Deal with his own family himself, say clearly that it’s a joint matter, shut down talk of a second wife, and never let his relatives blame her in his presence.
Can therapy help with the stress of childlessness?
Yes. Therapy helps with grief, anxiety and low mood, and couples therapy helps partners face family pressure together rather than turning on each other.
This article is awaiting clinical review. It’s based on published research and health guidelines, and we’ll update it once a clinician has reviewed it.
Suggested read: ‘Pray About It’: Answering Your Family
