Losing a husband or wife can take away your partner, your plans and sometimes your home, all at once. This guide covers what grief can look like, when it needs help, your rights, and the practical steps ahead.
Grief after losing a spouse is usually most intense in the first months and, for most people, eases over a year or two, though waves continue. Some people need extra help, especially if grief stays disabling. Forcing harmful widowhood rites on anyone is an offence under federal and most state laws.
What grief can look like
Grief is physical as well as emotional. Exhaustion, poor sleep, a lost appetite, waves of longing, anger, guilt and numbness are all common. You may move between grieving and getting on with the jobs your spouse used to do, and taking breaks from grief is part of coping, not a betrayal.
Grief doesn’t follow neat stages in order. It’s also common to feel low early on: in a review of studies, about 4 in 10 widowed people had depression in the first month after the loss, falling to about 1 in 10 two to five years later.
Mourning customs and faith can be a real comfort. The WHO’s diagnostic guidance recognises that in some communities mourning lasts a year, and grief within your community’s normal mourning period isn’t a disorder.
Look after your health too
Losing a spouse raises health risks for a while, especially early on and especially for men. In a review of 15 studies covering over 2 million people, the risk of dying was about 12% higher overall and about 40% higher in the first six months, and the rise was clear in men but not in women. In older adults in the UK, the chance of a heart attack or stroke doubled in the 30 days after a partner’s death, though it stayed small: from 8 to 16 in 10,000.
That’s a reason to look after yourself, not to panic:
- keep taking your own medicines and keep your appointments
- eat and sleep as regularly as you can
- go easy on alcohol, and avoid using anything to numb the pain
- see a doctor about chest pain or breathlessness, and don’t wait it out
For widowers
Men often get less support and fewer expectations of mourning, and in many communities they’re encouraged to remarry quickly. But men face a clearer rise in health risks after losing a wife, and when circumstances are similar, widowed men and women are about equally likely to be depressed. Take your grief seriously, even if no one else seems to.
When grief needs more help
For some people, grief stays raw and takes over daily life. This is called prolonged grief disorder: intense longing for your spouse or constant preoccupation with them, with deep emotional pain, such as feeling part of you has died, disbelief, numbness or feeling that life is meaningless. To be diagnosed, it has to last well beyond what’s normal in your culture: at least six months in the WHO’s classification, and at least a year in the US manual. About 1 in 10 bereaved adults may develop it, and the risk is higher after losing a partner.
See a doctor or therapist if:
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- low mood lasts more than two weeks without easing
- months on, you still can’t return to daily life
- you’re drinking or using something to get through the days
- you feel life isn’t worth living: that needs help now, not later
Grief-focused therapy works. In a US trial with older adults, about 7 in 10 improved with a treatment designed for prolonged grief, compared with about 3 in 10 with a standard talking therapy. No medicine treats grief itself, though a doctor may treat depression that comes with it. Don’t take sleeping pills or tranquillisers without a doctor’s advice.
Not everyone needs counselling. The WHO advises against offering therapy to every bereaved person routinely, because support from family, friends and faith community is enough for many. Help works best for people who are struggling.
The risk of suicide rises after losing a spouse, especially in the first weeks and months, and especially for men. If you’re having thoughts of ending your life, tell someone today.
In immediate danger, call 112, or 767 in Lagos. To talk to someone at any hour, Safe Place Nigeria is on 0800 800 2000. It’s toll-free and answered 24 hours a day.
Widowhood rites and your rights
Harmful widowhood practices have been documented in many parts of Nigeria: forced confinement, shaving, being made to sit on the floor, drinking the water used to wash the body to “prove innocence”, pressure to marry a relative of the late husband, eviction from the home, and in-laws taking property. They’re often enforced by in-laws, and sometimes by other women.
The law is on your side:
- The Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act 2015 makes subjecting a widow to harmful traditional practices an offence, punishable by up to two years in prison, a fine of up to ₦500,000, or both. The federal Act applies in the FCT, and in March 2025 the Minister of Women Affairs said 35 of the 36 states had passed their own versions.
- Several states also have widowhood laws, including Enugu (2001), Imo (2003), Edo (2004), Anambra (2005) and Abia (2011). Anambra’s law protects widowers as well as widows, and bans forcing either into rites such as confinement, shaving or drinking corpse water, or out of the matrimonial home for having no son or no children.
Choosing to mourn in your own way, such as wearing black or observing a mourning period, is your right too. The laws ban forcing these things on you.
Where to get help:
- FIDA Nigeria (International Federation of Women Lawyers) offers free legal help to women and children who can’t afford a lawyer, with branches in every state: +234 708 849 6115.
- The Legal Aid Council of Nigeria gives free legal help to people who can’t afford a lawyer: legalaidcouncil.gov.ng.
- The National Human Rights Commission takes complaints, including about harmful practices: 6472 or 0800 647 2428 (toll-free, Monday to Friday, 8am to 4pm).
Property, inheritance and pensions
What you inherit depends on the type of marriage and the law that governs it. This is a summary, not legal advice.
- If your spouse left a will, it usually decides how the estate is shared.
- Statutory (registry or court) marriage without a will: state estate laws apply. In Lagos, for example, a surviving spouse with children receives the household belongings and a large share of the rest, and the children inherit the remainder. Other states have their own rules.
- Customary law: in 2014, the Supreme Court struck down a custom that let in-laws evict a widow without a son from her matrimonial home, and separately ruled that daughters can’t be excluded from inheriting. Neither case settled a widow’s share of the whole estate.
- Islamic law: a widow’s share is a quarter if there are no children and an eighth if there are; co-wives share it.
- Pensions: your spouse’s employer should have group life insurance, which pays the named beneficiary. The balance of the pension savings account is released only to the people named in probate or letters of administration, not automatically to the “next of kin”, who under PenCom’s rules is just an emergency contact. Start with your spouse’s pension fund administrator.
Register the death early. Registration is compulsory and free within seven days, and the doctor who treated your spouse must give a medical certificate of the cause of death free of charge. You’ll need the death certificate for almost everything else.
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If in-laws are claiming property, get legal advice early. The organisations above can help.
The first months
- Postpone big decisions if you can, such as selling the house or moving.
- Accept practical help with the jobs your spouse used to do.
- Tell children soon, in clear words. Avoid “gone to sleep” or “passed away”, which confuse young children. Reassure them nothing they did caused it, keep routines, and expect their grief to come and go. You don’t need to be a super-parent.
- Go at your own pace with dating or remarriage, whatever the family says. No one can lawfully force you to marry a relative of your late spouse.
Getting help
You can find a therapist who works with grief and loss by video, voice or chat. Read more about coping with grief and grief after losing a parent, see our grief page, or look up bereavement and unresolved grief in our glossary.
Frequently asked questions
How long does grief last after losing a spouse?
There’s no fixed time. For most people the intensity eases over a year or two, with waves continuing long after. Grief that stays intense and disabling well beyond your community’s mourning period is worth getting help for.
Is it normal to feel numb, or even relieved?
Yes. Numbness is common early on, and relief can come after a long illness. Neither means you didn’t love your spouse.
Can my in-laws take my house?
Not lawfully by force. The Supreme Court has struck down a custom used to evict a widow, and many state laws ban forcing a widow out of the matrimonial home. Get legal help early.
Do I need letters of administration?
If your spouse died without a will, you’ll usually need them to deal with bank accounts, property and the pension savings account. Applications go to the probate registry of the state High Court, and a lawyer can help.
When should I see a doctor about grief?
If low mood lasts more than two weeks without easing, if you can’t function months later, if you’re drinking to cope, or if you have thoughts of ending your life. That last one needs help now.
This article is awaiting clinical review. It’s based on published research and health guidelines, and we’ll update it once a clinician has reviewed it.
