IVF can bring real hope, and a lot of pressure: injections, scans, bills, waiting, and often secrecy. Here’s what the emotional side of treatment usually looks like, and how to look after yourselves through it.
IVF is emotionally demanding. Distress usually peaks at egg collection, embryo transfer and the two-week wait for a result, and hits hardest after a failed cycle. In Nigeria, high costs and secrecy add to it. Stress doesn’t make IVF fail, and support helps.
The emotional rhythm of a cycle
Most people start IVF feeling hopeful, and they’re no more depressed than anyone else. Then the pressure builds through the cycle. Stress tends to peak at egg collection, embryo transfer and the wait before the pregnancy test. Anxiety is often highest during that wait.
If a cycle fails, grief and low mood are normal. About one in five people going through fertility treatment develop problems serious enough to need specialist support. After a miscarriage following IVF, distress can be especially heavy, and many people fear hoping again.
Men feel it too, though they often show it less. During treatment, men tend to feel less supported and more isolated than women. In one Nigerian study, men accompanying their wives to a fertility clinic had about twice the rate of anxiety and depression symptoms as other men.
Stress doesn’t make IVF fail
Many women are told to “just relax” or worry that anxiety will ruin their chances. A review of 14 studies of more than 3,500 women found no link between distress before treatment and whether it worked. Your worry isn’t to blame, and neither are you.
The Nigerian pressures
- Cost. IVF is almost entirely paid out of pocket. Studies reported ₦700,000 to over ₦1 million per cycle at a public teaching hospital in 2017, and ₦1.5 million to ₦3 million in the South-East in 2019 and 2020. A doctor quoted in the press in July 2026 put the average at ₦2.5 million. National health insurance has excluded IVF (the 2020 handbook lists it as an exclusion). Many couples save for years, borrow or sell property, which is one reason many start later than is ideal.
- Secrecy. In a study at a Benin City IVF clinic, most women kept their diagnosis private, so they got little support. Women elsewhere described taunts about “artificial” babies. Secrecy protects privacy, but it can leave you carrying everything alone.
- Age and time. Age is the biggest factor in success. In UK national data, births per embryo transferred were 38% for women aged 18 to 34 and 8% at 43 to 44. At one Lagos public centre, women having IVF averaged almost 38 years old.
- Regulation. Nigeria has no federal law regulating IVF and no national register of clinic results. The fertility specialists’ association has voluntary guidelines, including a limit of three embryos per transfer, and Lagos is the only state that enforces standards. That makes your own questions matter.
Questions worth asking a clinic
- What are the chances of success for someone of my age, based on your own recent results?
- What will the full cycle cost, including drugs, tests and freezing?
- How many embryos will you transfer, and why? More embryos mean more risk of twins or triplets.
- Do you offer counselling before, during and after treatment?
Be wary of anyone offering a “pregnancy” that scans can’t detect. Nigerian researchers have described these “cryptic pregnancy” schemes as scams that end with babies being illegally bought and sold. No genuine treatment works that way.
Faith and IVF
Faith is a source of strength for many couples, and it shapes choices. Catholic teaching holds that IVF is morally unacceptable, but that every child born is a gift to be welcomed. Mainstream Sunni Islamic rulings allow IVF within marriage using the couple’s own eggs and sperm, but not donor eggs, donor sperm or surrogacy. If you’re unsure, talk it through with a religious leader you trust. Our guide to answering “just pray about it” may help if relatives push back.
Looking after yourselves through treatment
- Plan for the two-week wait. Line up distractions, company and small routines. Decide in advance how, and with whom, you’ll get the result.
- Go through it together. Talk about how each of you is coping; partners often cope differently, and that’s normal. Involving both partners is one of the things people going through IVF value most.
- Choose one or two people to confide in. Complete secrecy can leave you isolated.
- Be careful online. Forums and groups can be a lifeline, but they also spread misinformation and worry. Check medical questions with your clinic.
- Get counselling. UK and WHO guidance say counselling should be available before, during and after treatment, whatever the outcome. Talking therapies such as CBT reduce anxiety and depression in people facing infertility. They support you; they aren’t a way to improve your odds.
- Decide together when to pause or stop. UK guidance suggests a frank talk about chances after three unsuccessful full cycles. Stopping is a valid choice, and many people find it brings relief as well as grief.
You can find a therapist for couples and relationships, by video, voice or chat. Read more about anxiety, our guide to infertility and mental health in Nigeria, and how to handle family pressure about childlessness. If treatment ends in a loss, our guide to grief after pregnancy loss may help, and if it leads to a pregnancy, anxiety is common: see our guide to anxiety in pregnancy.
If low mood ever turns into thoughts of ending your life, call Safe Place Nigeria on 0800 800 2000, free and open 24 hours, or 112, or 767 in Lagos, if you’re in danger.
Suggested read: Losing a Spouse: Grief and What Comes After
Frequently asked questions
Is IVF stressful?
Yes, for most people. Stress usually peaks at egg collection, embryo transfer and the wait for the result. About one in five people need specialist support, and help is worth seeking early.
Can stress make IVF fail?
No. A review of 14 studies found no link between distress before treatment and whether IVF worked. You don’t need to “just relax” for it to work.
How much does IVF cost in Nigeria?
Costs vary widely by clinic and year. Studies reported ₦700,000 to over ₦1 million per cycle at a public hospital in 2017 and ₦1.5 million to ₦3 million in the South-East in 2019 and 2020. Ask any clinic for the full cost, including drugs and tests.
Is IVF allowed in Islam?
Mainstream Sunni rulings allow IVF within marriage using the husband’s sperm and the wife’s eggs. They don’t allow donor eggs, donor sperm or surrogacy. Speak to a scholar you trust about your situation.
How do we cope after a failed IVF cycle?
Give yourselves time to grieve, lean on each other and one or two trusted people, and talk to a counsellor. Decide on next steps only when you’re ready.
This article is awaiting clinical review. It’s based on published research and health guidelines, and we’ll update it once a clinician has reviewed it.
