An affair can leave one partner feeling the ground has gone, and the other unsure whether anything they say will ever be enough. Here is what helps each of you, what rebuilding actually involves, and how to decide whether to stay.
Rebuilding trust after cheating is possible when the affair has ended, the partner who cheated takes full responsibility and answers questions honestly, and both of you commit to months of steady work, often with a couples therapist.
It isn’t quick or guaranteed. And if you decide to separate, the same honesty helps you do it with less damage.
What the first weeks feel like
If you were cheated on, discovery often brings a flood of reactions that can feel out of control:
- images of the affair that won’t switch off
- trouble sleeping, eating or concentrating at work
- checking your partner’s phone, location or social media
- swinging between rage and wanting to be close
- questions that arrive at 2am and won’t wait
Some people describe it as a trauma: in a small study of young American adults who had been cheated on, nearly half reported symptoms like those of post-traumatic stress, and those symptoms went with more depression. You’re not overreacting. Your mind is trying to make sense of a sudden threat to something you relied on.
If you cheated, the first weeks often bring shame, fear of losing everything, and a strong wish to move on quickly. You may feel frustrated when the same questions come back for the tenth time.
Both sets of reactions are common. Neither is a reason to give up in the first week.
First, safety and health
- Safety comes first. If you’re afraid of your partner, or there have been threats or violence since the affair came out, read our guide to recognising domestic abuse. In immediate danger, call 112, or 767 in Lagos.
- Get tested. If the affair was sexual, both of you should get tested for sexually transmitted infections, and use condoms until you have results. Many infections cause no symptoms, so a test is the only way to know.
- Hold off on permanent decisions in the rawest days, if you’re safe.
- Choose who you tell. Families, pastors and imams often get involved quickly, and the advice can pull you in opposite directions: “endure”, “pray about it”, “leave”, “it will happen again”. Pick one or two people who will support you without taking over. Our piece on answering “pray about it” may help with well-meant advice you don’t want.
- Keep the children out of it. They need to know only what affects them, never the details.
What the partner who cheated needs to do
Trust comes back through behaviour repeated over time, not through one good apology.
- End the affair completely. No “closure” meetings and no staying friends. If the other person gets in touch, tell your partner yourself, before they find out another way.
- Tell the truth, fully. Answer questions honestly, even when the answers are painful. Admitting a little more each time something new comes out restarts the damage every time.
- Take responsibility without a “but”. “I did this, it was my choice, and I’m sorry for what it’s done to you” lands very differently from “I’m sorry, but you’d been so distant.”
- Offer openness before you’re asked. Saying where you are, picking up the phone, being willing to show messages for a while. Agree together what this looks like and for how long.
- Expect the questions to return. Your partner may seem fine for a week, then fall apart after a song, a date or a name. Stay steady.
- Look at your own reasons, ideally with a therapist, so you can understand what led you there and show what’s different now.
What the partner who was cheated on can do
- Ask the questions that help you understand: how it started, how long it lasted, whether it’s over, what it meant. Graphic sexual details can feed the images rather than end them. It’s your choice, but notice which answers bring relief and which bring torment.
- Contain the conversations. Talking about the affair every night until 3am exhausts you both. Some couples agree a set time to talk about it and protect the rest of the day.
- Look after your body. Eat, sleep where you can, move, and go easy on alcohol.
- Look at the relationship, without taking the blame. Recovery usually means looking honestly at the relationship, and you may find things you both want to change. That’s different from being responsible for the affair. The choice to have one, rather than raise the problems, was your partner’s.
- Forgive on your own timetable, if at all. Forgiving doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t matter, and it doesn’t oblige you to stay. Some people forgive and leave. Some stay and take years.
Making sense of how it happened
Understanding how an affair happened isn’t the same as excusing it. But without it, neither of you knows what would stop it happening again.
One well-known programme for recovering from an affair, developed by the American couple researchers Douglas Snyder, Donald Baucom and Kristina Coop Gordon, works through three questions:
Suggested read: Losing a Spouse: Grief and What Comes After
- How do we stop hurting? Getting through the crisis: calming the daily chaos, learning to talk without wounding each other, dealing with other people, and looking after yourselves.
- How did this happen? The relationship, the pressures around it, such as work, money, distance or family, the choices of the partner who cheated, and each partner’s part in the relationship.
- How can we move forward? Getting past the hurt, and deciding whether the relationship can be saved, together or apart.
In an early study of six couples who used this approach with a therapist, most were less distressed by the end, and the hurt partners reported more forgiveness. It’s a small study, but the questions are a useful map.
Should you stay or go?
There’s no answer that fits everyone, and no one else, including your family, has to live with the decision. These signs can help you think it through:
| Signs repair may be possible | Signs it may not be |
|---|---|
| The affair has ended, and you can see that it has | The affair is still going on, or keeps restarting |
| The partner who cheated takes responsibility | The blame is put on you, the other person or circumstances |
| Both of you want to try, even if one is unsure | One of you has already left emotionally and won’t reconsider |
| Questions get honest answers, even painful ones | New lies keep coming out |
| You feel safe with each other | There’s violence, threats or control |
| There’s a history of goodwill to build on | This is one of many betrayals |
Often one partner wants to work on the relationship while the other is leaning towards leaving. Therapists call these “mixed-agenda” couples, and they’re common: in a large US analysis published in 2026, nearly 4 in 10 couples in therapy fitted this pattern.
An approach called discernment counselling was designed for exactly this. Its aim isn’t to save the marriage but to help both of you reach a clear, confident decision about the next step. In an analysis of 100 consecutive cases, about half the couples chose to start couples therapy to try to reconcile, and most of the rest chose to separate.
Some people stay because of money, children or what people will say. Others leave because relatives insist. Try to decide for reasons you’ll still believe in a year from now.
How therapy helps
Couples who come to therapy after an affair usually start out more distressed than other couples, but the research is encouraging:
- In a US trial, couples whose affair was in the open before or during therapy improved more than couples who came for other reasons.
- In a larger study of 145 couples dealing with infidelity in Germany and Austria, they started out more distressed and more depressed than other couples, kept improving, and six months after therapy ended they were no different from them.
That doesn’t mean every couple stays together. Some use therapy to separate well. A good therapist won’t take sides or tell you what to decide. They’ll slow the conversations down so you can hear each other, guide you through the “how did this happen” work, and help you agree what rebuilding looks like. Our guide to couples therapy explains how it works, and this step-by-step shows how to book a couples session and invite your partner.
If the affair is part of a wider pattern of lies, contempt or control, the partner who cheated may find signs you’re the toxic partner a useful, uncomfortable read.
Individual therapy helps too, for either of you, especially if you can’t sleep, can’t stop the images, or have felt low for weeks. Read about anxiety, depression and heartbreak. You can find a therapist who works with couples and book by video, voice or chat.
If the pain has you thinking about ending your life, call 112 (or 767 in Lagos), or Safe Place Nigeria on 0800 800 2000. The full list is on our helplines page.
Suggested read: Living With a Partner Who Has Bipolar
Frequently asked questions
Can trust be rebuilt after cheating?
For many couples, yes, though not for all. It’s most likely when the affair has fully ended, the partner who cheated is honest and takes responsibility, and both of you put in the work, often with a couples therapist.
How long does it take to rebuild trust after an affair?
There’s no fixed time, and it’s usually longer than either of you would like. Expect setbacks around anniversaries, reminders and any new discoveries. Steady behaviour over months matters more than any deadline.
Should I check my partner’s phone after they cheated?
Openness that the partner who cheated offers, and that you’ve both agreed, can help for a while. Secret checking at all hours rarely brings peace and usually feeds the anxiety. If you still can’t stop checking months later, take that to a therapist.
Is it my fault my partner cheated?
No. Problems in the relationship are worth looking at together, but the choice to have an affair rather than raise them was your partner’s.
Can we have couples therapy if one of us lives abroad?
Yes. Sessions by video can work across cities and countries. Ask the therapist how they work with couples who are in different places.
This article is awaiting clinical review. It’s based on published research and health guidelines, and we’ll update it once a clinician has reviewed it.
