You’re excited about the move, and every time you look at your parents you feel like you’re abandoning them. Both feelings are real. Here is how to go without leaving them uncared for.
Leaving ageing parents behind when you japa usually brings guilt, but guilt doesn’t mean you chose wrong. What helps is a care plan agreed before you go: who’s nearby, who pays for what, what happens in an emergency, and regular contact.
The guilt, and where it comes from
In many Nigerian families, children are expected to care for their parents in old age, and the first child or the child who is doing well often carries the most. Relatives may say it out loud: “So you’ll leave your mother?” Your own mind says it at 2am.
Guilt is often a sign of love and responsibility, not wrongdoing. The question isn’t whether you feel guilty. It’s whether your parents will be cared for, and that is something you can plan.
Before you go: the care conversation
Talk with your parents first, not about them. What do they want? Where do they want to live? Who do they trust? Then talk with your siblings about what each of you can realistically do.
Agree, in writing if possible:
- Who is nearby and willing to check in, and how often.
- Money: a monthly amount, who sends it, and what it covers.
- Paid help: whether you’ll hire a caregiver or house help, how you’ll vet them, and who supervises.
- Health: their doctor and nearest hospital, their medicines and any conditions, and whether they have health cover. Some HMO plans have age limits, so ask what’s available for older adults.
- Emergencies: who they call first, who has a spare key, and how you’ll be reached at any hour.
Set up the practical things
- Documents: copies of their ID, medical records and prescriptions, kept safely and shared with the sibling nearby.
- Money access: a simple, safe way for them to receive money, and a trusted person who can help with banking. Warn them about scams that target older people, especially calls and messages claiming to be from their bank or from you.
- Home safety: good lighting, rails in the bathroom, and nothing loose on the floor to trip over.
- Technology: a phone set up for video calls, with large text and your number easy to find.
Staying close from abroad
- Keep a rhythm. A call at a fixed time each week matters more than long calls when you remember.
- Share your ordinary life. Photos of your commute, your food, your new street. Parents want to be part of your days, not only your news.
- Plan visits early, so they have something to look forward to.
- Watch for changes: forgetfulness, confusion, weight loss, unpaid bills, withdrawal or low mood. Depression in older people often looks like tiredness or physical complaints. Our guide to supporting ageing parents explains what to look for.
The sibling who stays
Care often falls on one sibling, often the one who lives closest, and often a daughter. Acknowledge that load openly. Share costs fairly, pay for help so they aren’t doing everything, and give them breaks when you visit. Unspoken resentment between siblings is one of the most common ways family care breaks down. Our piece on caregiver burnout is worth sending them.
If something happens while you’re away
Many people who japa fear not being there when a parent falls ill or dies. Talk about it before you go, however hard: what your parents would want, whether you’d fly home, and how the family would decide in a hurry. Having the conversation doesn’t make it more likely. It makes the worst day a little more manageable.
Look after yourself
Guilt, worry and grief for the life you’ve left can sit alongside excitement about the new one. That’s normal. Our pieces on japa stress and settling in abroad cover the move itself. If the guilt is constant, or grief arrives before any loss has happened, a therapist can help. You can find one who works with grief and loss, by video from wherever you are. If worry has taken over, read about anxiety.
Frequently asked questions
Is it selfish to japa and leave my parents?
No. Moving for a better future is not abandonment, especially if you plan your parents’ care before you go and stay involved from abroad.
Suggested read: Co-Parenting After Separation
How can I take care of my parents from abroad?
Agree a care plan with your parents and siblings, send regular support, arrange trusted help nearby, keep their documents and medical details organised, and stay in regular contact.
What should I do if my parent gets sick while I’m abroad?
Follow the emergency plan you agreed before leaving: the nearby person acts first, you’re reached immediately, and the family decides together whether you need to travel.
How do I deal with guilt about leaving my parents?
Turn guilt into a plan. Once care is arranged and contact is regular, guilt usually eases. If it doesn’t, talk to someone about it.
How should siblings share care of ageing parents?
Agree who does what, share costs fairly, pay for help where you can, and check regularly that the sibling nearby isn’t carrying everything alone.
