You forgot your mother’s birthday. One voice says, “That was thoughtless, I should call her.” Another says, “I’m a terrible daughter.” The first is guilt. The second is shame, and the difference changes what you do next.
Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong. Shame is the feeling that you are wrong. Guilt focuses on an action and tends to push you to apologise and put it right. Shame focuses on your whole self, tends to make you hide, and is more closely linked with depression and anxiety.
The difference at a glance
| Guilt | Shame | |
|---|---|---|
| What it says | “I did a bad thing” | “I am bad” |
| What it’s about | One action, or something you didn’t do | Your whole self |
| What it makes you want to do | Apologise, repair, do better | Hide, withdraw, or lash out |
| Link with depression and anxiety | Weaker | Stronger |
| What usually helps | Making amends, then letting go | Being understood, and treating yourself with kindness |
Both are normal human feelings. You can feel both at once, and the same event can trigger either one, depending on how you read it.
A common belief is that shame happens in public and guilt in private. Research doesn’t support that. In a 1996 US study of 182 students, shame was no more likely than guilt to happen in front of others, and many people felt it alone. They were also harsher on themselves than they thought anyone else would be.
Why the difference matters
Guilt can be useful. Shame is less often helpful.
- Shame is more closely tied to depression. A 2011 review pooled 108 studies with 22,411 people. Shame was clearly more strongly linked with symptoms of depression than guilt was.
- And to anxiety. A 2018 review found the same pattern for anxiety: shame was more strongly linked than guilt, and once the overlap between them was taken out, mostly only shame remained.
- Shame can turn into anger. In two US studies of about 500 students, people prone to shame were more likely to feel anger, resentment and suspicion, and to blame others. People prone to guilt without shame blamed others less. Our guide to why you might get angry easily looks at this link.
- Guilt can point you towards people. A 2017 review found that people prone to guilt cared a little more about others, while shame showed no such link.
These are links, not proof that shame causes depression. Feeling low may also make shame worse. Either way, shame is the one to take seriously.
When guilt goes wrong
Not all guilt is healthy. The 2011 review found two kinds of guilt that were as closely linked with depression as shame:
- Guilt about things you couldn’t control. You feel responsible for your father’s illness, a sibling’s divorce or the company’s layoffs.
- Free-floating guilt. A constant sense that you’ve done something wrong, without being able to say what.
In Nigerian family life, this kind of guilt has familiar forms:
- feeling you’ve abandoned your parents because you moved abroad
- never feeling you’ve sent enough money home, however much black tax you pay
- guilt after a death: the NHS lists guilt about something you said or didn’t say, or about not being able to stop your loved one dying, as part of grief (read about grief after losing a parent)
- guilt about rest, as if any time not spent working or serving the family is selfish
Constant guilt can also be a sign of depression. The NHS includes “feeling guilt-ridden” among its symptoms. Read more about depression.
Shame in everyday life
Some shame comes from how we think others see us. In the 2011 review, this “external” shame, seeing yourself through other people’s eyes, had the strongest link with depression of any type it measured.
Suggested read: Situationships: Why They Hurt and How to Decide
“What will people say?” is a phrase many Nigerians grow up with. Shame can come from being flogged or made to kneel in front of the class, being called a disgrace to the family, or losing a job, a marriage or a pregnancy in a community where everyone talks (read about job loss and identity). It also keeps people from getting help, because needing therapy can feel like proof that something is wrong with you.
Most of this research was done outside Nigeria, so we can’t say how it plays out here. But the pattern is worth knowing: shame that comes from other people’s judgement is the kind most worth questioning.
If your shame goes back to childhood criticism, beatings or abuse, our guide to childhood trauma in adults may help. And if someone hurt you, the shame belongs to them, not you. Abuse is never the fault of the person it happens to. Our guide to recognising domestic abuse lists where to get help.
Is it guilt or shame? Four questions
- Am I thinking about what I did, or about what I am?
- Do I want to fix it, or disappear?
- Is there something specific I can put right?
- Would I judge a friend this harshly for the same thing?
If your answers lean towards “what I am”, “disappear” and “no”, it’s probably shame.
What to do with guilt
First, check it’s earned. Did you actually do something wrong, and was it in your control? If not, the guilt is giving you false information. Say so to yourself, and talk it over with someone who’ll be honest with you.
If it is earned, use it:
- Apologise for the specific thing, without “but”. “I’m sorry I shouted at you in front of your friends” works better than “Sorry if you were offended.”
- Make amends where you can.
- Change the pattern so it’s less likely to happen again.
- Then let it go. Guilt has done its job once you’ve repaired what you can. Carrying it for years doesn’t help the person you hurt.
If your guilt is tied to your faith, a trusted religious leader may help you think about forgiveness. Our guide to answering “pray about it” covers faith and therapy together. If you keep feeling guilty about unwanted thoughts that pop into your head, read about intrusive thoughts.
What to do with shame
- Name it. Saying “this is shame” can put a little distance between you and the feeling.
- Separate the act from the person. “I lied to my boss” is something you can deal with. “I’m a liar” isn’t.
- Tell one safe person. Shame pushes you to hide. Being understood by someone you trust goes against that pull.
- Talk to yourself as you’d talk to a friend. This is the idea behind self-compassion. Compassion-focused therapy was developed for people with high shame and self-criticism. A 2015 review of 14 studies found it promising, especially for people who are very self-critical, and a 2023 review of 15 trials found it reduced self-criticism and symptoms compared with waiting for treatment. Both said better trials are still needed.
- Look at where it started. Shame often has a history. A therapist can help you trace it.
Our guide to building self-esteem and the glossary entries on guilt and self-compassion go further.
When to get help
Talk to a therapist or doctor if:
- guilt or shame is with you most days, and your mood has been low for more than two weeks
- you keep replaying an old mistake and can’t move on
- shame is stopping you from seeing a doctor, telling your partner something important or getting help
- you feel worthless, or that people would be better off without you
That last one needs help now. In immediate danger, call 112, or 767 in Lagos. To talk to someone at any hour, call Safe Place Nigeria on 0800 800 2000. It’s toll-free and answered 24 hours a day. The full list is on our helplines page.
Suggested read: Why Do I Get Angry So Easily? 10 Possible Reasons
You can find a therapist who works with CBT and skills-based therapy or general mental health and wellbeing, and talk by video, voice or chat. What you say stays private.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between guilt and shame in psychology?
Guilt is a negative feeling about something you did. Shame is a negative feeling about who you are. Psychologists often sum it up as “I did a bad thing” versus “I am bad”.
Is guilt good or bad?
It depends. Guilt about something you really did wrong can push you to apologise and do better. Guilt about things you couldn’t control, or guilt that never goes away, is more closely linked with depression and is worth getting help for.
Can you feel guilt and shame at the same time?
Yes. Many situations bring both. It helps to separate them: deal with the guilt by putting things right, and question the shame by separating what you did from who you are.
Why do I feel guilty all the time?
Constant guilt can come from strict expectations growing up, from taking responsibility for things you can’t control, or from depression, where feeling guilt-ridden is a common symptom. If it’s affecting your daily life, talk to a therapist.
How do I stop feeling ashamed of my past?
Start by separating what happened from who you are, and tell one person you trust. If the shame comes from abuse, it was never your fault. A therapist can help you work through it, especially if it’s affecting your mood or relationships.
This article is awaiting clinical review. It’s based on published research and health guidelines, and we’ll update it once a clinician has reviewed it.
